Tired, Hopeless, Searching

I'm feeling tired, hopeless, and searching. Max has gotten me in this constant struggle for his needs. It's a combination of guilt, followed by pressures, followed by decision making. It's a rollercoaster coaster with constant climaxes. Sometimes the answer is to just ignore, let him be. Have him learn how to self-soothe, find things to do. And then it hits me. Like now, as I'm writing this. He's a dog. I'm writing this about a dog. But I come around back to my care for each and every creature. My respect for their needs, wants, and desire to become whole. I can't just ignore, I can't just turn off. I can't make things about me. This is who I am. I'm sure in it, there are wonderful things that can be produced. But, I need to embrace this. So far in my life I feel that I haven't. I've always looked outside, to what others are doing and fought to become like them. What this criteria is or why or where this odd desire comes from I don't know. I can't assume it's from my mother's lack of appreciation for my own unique gifts and my father's push to know things because I should. In this case, know about myself. But this has left me in a mess, and I still am in it. A struggle everyday. I know the only way to overcome it and return back to myself is to release some of the habits I've built up. Let go, this will make room for more. It's hard, but I want it so badly.