Tired, Hopeless, Searching

I'm feeling tired, hopeless, and searching. Max has gotten me in this constant struggle for his needs. It's a combination of guilt, followed by pressures, followed by decision making. It's a rollercoaster coaster with constant climaxes. Sometimes the answer is to just ignore, let him be. Have him learn how to self-soothe, find things to do. And then it hits me. Like now, as I'm writing this. He's a dog. I'm writing this about a dog. But I come around back to my care for each and every creature. My respect for their needs, wants, and desire to become whole. I can't just ignore, I can't just turn off. I can't make things about me. This is who I am. I'm sure in it, there are wonderful things that can be produced. But, I need to embrace this. So far in my life I feel that I haven't. I've always looked outside, to what others are doing and fought to become like them. What this criteria is or why or where this odd desire comes from I don't know. I can't assume it's from my mother's lack of appreciation for my own unique gifts and my father's push to know things because I should. In this case, know about myself. But this has left me in a mess, and I still am in it. A struggle everyday. I know the only way to overcome it and return back to myself is to release some of the habits I've built up. Let go, this will make room for more. It's hard, but I want it so badly.

Time Makes Things Ordinary

Things have settled a bit. Having Max, has picked me up off my feet and got me a little closer to who I am. I feel a bit more alive again. It feels good.

Having him has had its ups and downs. And I'm learning from them. He's still super active, sometimes a little all over the place. We're trying to make him a little more calm, a little more like us. Teaching him to enjoy the small pleasures in life and to cherish the good place he has in our home. I think it will take time, but he's getting there.

Knowing that I'm influencing him and my behavior is shaping who he is is a big responsibility. All it can do is make you have confidence. You have to have, because without it he would be wild. It also takes you back closer to who you are. Because if you're not yourself, you're not confidence.

That's where I am at right now. It feels good. It feel right. It feels like the next step forward.

Love Him

I love him. He's truly amazing. His personality is the best. He's so active, so kind, so loving, so curious, so confident. He's also a little scared, wants more freedom than he can handle, and sometimes a little too loving. But he's perfect. He's perfect because he's him. He's himself. He just needs love, attention, and soothing, but he's perfect.

God gives amazing things when one can push through fear and enter the unknown.

Max

O God. I got a dog.
This is a crazy new experience for me.
I'm a little stressed.
I don't know what to do or how to act.
Don't know how to take care of him.
Feel like he will hurt himself if I don't watch him.
I'm just scared.
Having a few seconds thoughts on why I agreed to this.
I feel like it's too much pressure.
Too much to handle.
I'm thinking about how my parents will feel.
Especially to how the house smells.
He's really sweet though.
Really cute.
But I'm so scared he's a lot of work.
I can't believe we got him.
That he's here.
Makes me think about having a kid and how I'd feel about that.
Maybe I'm not ready for kids.
Maybe it's too much work.
Maybe it's too overwhelming.
Gosh I'm scared of so much.
I feel like it's all too much.
This is super super stressful.
He just ate a pit and I'm worried about him. I worry about him. I don't know if I'm ready for a kid. I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I hope I get the strength and the vision to figure it out.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

I've always been afraid to put my best foot forward. I've been afraid that others will judge me, think I'm gloating, or I'll put out the wrong energy and overwhelm people.

Bottom line, I'm an emotional person. I have highs and I have downs. When I'm nervous I'm very high.  Loud, cheery, rambling. It's who I am. I think in most of the interviews I'd had, it's boded me well. Well except for the technical ones. But maybe that's a sign. A good one, of who I am. It's natural. I'm not perfect. It's who I am. I hope people can see through it and understand it's because I'm nervous.  When things get hopeless or go wrong, I'm sad. I hurt, I get angry, I get mad. Again-it's who I am. The good thing is that I've learned to let go. To accept that the big things in life are sometimes out of my control. Who likes me, who doesn't. Who or what dies or lives. Who will be there for me, who will not. Who I will connect with, who I will not. These are part of a bigger picture and bigger plan. I am not the only one in control. Life, energy, freedom, purpose, God, they too are all part of the equation. And. Letting them be is part of achieving true peace.

So, if putting my best foot forward means I come off as the person I come off at that exact moment. Then that is good. That is meant to be. That is done for me. To embrace it, notice it, learn from it, confirm it. That is what I do. That is where my heart of happiness instills.

Weight

Things that hold us back.

Maybe we all have things in our minds that hold us back. Unfortunately, some of us have those things that are visible. I have my weight. I've been able to push through it for most of my life-I went to college, got a job, got married. I did all those despite my being over weight.

However, it still holds me back.

Sad , Nervous

I feel sad today and nervous. I feel sad because I'v started on a weight loss journey. It's been a week and a day and I'm coming up against some challenges. One of which is that my body is having trouble with the hunger associated with eating less. I end up eating more later in the day and going a bit over what I'm suppose to and then my body doesn't feel go. It seems a bit like a roller-coaster. I'm hoping to find my balance soon, but I know it's going to take some work. I want to commit to moving my body again, getting toned and getting my muscles stronger, but my food needs to settle down. I hope I can do that in the next week or so.

 The second part, why I'm nervous is because I have a phone interview tomorrow. I'm so exhausted of interviewing. I know I haven't done that many, but I'm just feeling confused and tired. I'm also feeling a bit said-how to tell my story this time, what should I act like, am I going to be too forward and the person won't like me, do I hold back a bit and risk coming off uninterested or unenthusiastic. Then comes the part of passing the phone screening, but then going in. Having them see me and decide, based on how I look, that I wouldn't be able to do the job. That hurts a lot. I'm not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, or something with truth. I hope one day in my life I can get to the point where I won't have to think about that. I hope. But, with all this said, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and just do my best and let God do the rest.

 

Going Through Not Around

A lesson I've learned is that you must go through pain not around. Failure can lead to momentary pause, but one must get back on the horse and go through the pain. That seems to be the only way.

Two years ago, I quit. I quit from myself. I didn't make a plan, I just quit. I couldn't take what I was doing anymore. Mentally, I quit. The big lesson I've learned from this is that one must feel ahead, plan ahead, and value themselves to make the right decision for themselves before it's too late. 

Sometimes I fill my mind with too much. Too much of what other's are going through. Sure, it's easy for others to speak to me. Heck, I probably make it easy, but it's too much for me. I'm not a garbage disposal for emotions. People need to find their own way. I need to focus on myself, my goals, and where I want to go.

Through not around. That's where I feel I'm headed next. 

Unsure

I feel so unsure at this moment. So lost. So scared. I've taken on a temp job as a bid coordinator. It's both been a blessing and a curse. The blessing part is that it's brought me back face to face with the subject that I enjoy. The subject I choose. I feel empowered by it. There's so much to this job I like. I like the guy I'm working with/for. I like the fact that I'm helping him out. I think I like the other two ladies, although they are pretty anxious. I like the simplicity of my work and the fact that, for the most part, I can figure it out. I really enjoy the drive. Its seems to be the right balance of distance, time, and traffic. The curse is that I feel like I should be making more money, for the degrees I hold (greedy), that the environment is turning me to my old ways, making me hostile (feeling unsure of my ability to hold myself), the other people that are there that speaking about their personal lives and things of silliness while the people who work for them are terribly anxious. Its so sad. It's so sad to see the women who sit around me anxious while the men seem happy go lucky. But I guess they are not. I guess they let our their frustration through yelling. It's so difficult being there right now. I feel so stuck.

Art

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes
Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand
We’ll hide til it’s over, til it’s all over
We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me, I’ll hold on to you

----

What gave me away?
Was it my face?
It’s written on there clear as day isn’t it?
Well, that’s one thing that’s still the same
And I won’t lie to you love
I’m not okay
I’ve already spent too much time hiding that
And that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Passions I laid to rest may still have some life in them
So dig, dig with me
Let’s raise this thing from the dead
And breathe some life in it
Believe with me
We always say that we know how
To make light of what’s heaviest somehow
Tell me that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Lean my weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Lean our weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Let’s get our hands dirty

----

The bar is set so high that I can walk right under
Can’t reach even on my tippy toes
No matter how far I run in training for this marathon
I trip and fall, lose by a nose
Then something taps me on the shoulder
I listen when it’s older than me, it says
Look up, reach out your hand
You can’t see anything new ‘til you change where you stand
I’ll throw you a rope
You know you’re just a fellow prisoner of hope
Another day, another no
Sucker punch leaves me bunched on the floor (woe is me)
This is when I fall into a downward spiral
Negative thoughts feed vanity (& I’m so hungry)
From the high wall
Sometimes all we see is how hard we could fall
So what if we do
Rise mud-scraped & bruised
Maybe we have to be a little bit broken to hear hope call

 

Steps Forward

Today was my second day at work. More progress. More steps forward. More to learn. More to practice my confidence. More to continue to strive for my goals. More to continue to stand up for myself. More to continue to control my emotions. More to tap into my soul's needs. More to grow. More to live. More to strive. More to believe. More to achieve. Finding purpose.

    

Grateful

I'm so so grateful today. Just like that. Within 24 hours, my dreams were delivered. An entry-level type of position in the industry I'm after. Working for a roofing contractor. I'm happy. I know there's going to be challenges ahead. I know there's going to be a lot to learn and a lot of emotions to go through, but I'm ready. It's the time. It's the window opening to a new direction.

 

Bereft

The sun is set.

The clouds are grey.

My heart is yearning. 

For another day.

For a day of newness.

A day of gifts.

A day of signs.

A day of lifts.

I have no direction. 

Only hope that's left.

Do I turn forward or back.

I'm left feeling bereft.

Where To Go

As the end of the year nears I'm starting to get very antsy. I have this unsettled feeling. This need for creation. A desire to move forward. A need for answers. A desire to find solutions. I just want to move forward. I'm feeling so restless. So unsure.

So what does one do during these times? Sit still? Wait for answers? Yes. That is the answer. During the meantime cherish the moments that you have. The quiet that you have. The things presented to you.

Crying Rain

drip. drop.
the rain falls steadily and calmly.
drip. drop.
water hanging on the electrical lines that pass outside my window.
drip. drop.
Energy pouring down.
Weeping calm.
Pause.
The street is quite.
All bundled up.
drip. drop.
slight breezes break the time.
It lingers. Tugs.
Cleanses.
drip. drop.

Cloudy Days

Cloudy days. Cool breezes. Warm bread. And a salad.

Sometimes simplicity, feeling, thoughts and the meditative nourishment of a crisp cool salad is the only thing that will feed a restless tired and wanting soul.

Nothing else.

Breath

During the hardest times of one's life all a person can do is breath. They can't control. They can't predict. They can't sprint quickly forward (like they might want to do). All they can do is breath.

Breathing brings calm. Which leads to clarity. Which leads to trust. Which leads to action. Leading to accomplishments for one's soul. This then leads to enlightenment which brings forth true, sacred, eternal peace and happiness. 

Breath....

Ten Years Later

Is it possible to have a dream, then put it on the shelf somewhere, only to take it out a long time later, dust if off, look at it, and then start pursuing it again?

I'm feeling that way lately. I'm feeling like taking that old dream that I had put on the shelf and unpacking it. The amazing thing is that when I put it on the shelf all that time ago, I knew that I would be coming back to it. I just needed time. Time to grow. Time to evolve. Time to learn. Time to come into myself.

That old dusty box is now shaking. It doesn't want to sit still. I know it's filled with magical powers and it's calling to be opened and released.

Yet, I must be patient. I know I'm almost there, but there are a few things left for me to learn before I can take hold of that wonderful box. These final steps are the hardest. A little like the final exam of a long course. I'm scared of not finishing, of not doing well, of collapsing at the last second.

Yet, I know in my gut that I'll make it. I'll finish the process. The process to reach that wonderful, magical box that's will allow me to fly...one day I will fly...

Used and Abused

I think I've just had an enlightening moment in my life.

This past weekend I was spending time with some people. I was sitting down with one person and he started asking questions, like, "What's new?" and all of a sudden I felt myself talking about myself-sharing the changes in my life, all that I was planning on doing, upcoming decisions I was pondering. During that time, the person I was talking to was agreeing with me, giving me praise, or putting down my ideas and plans. Sometimes the advice was conflicting.

At the end of this short conversation, the person just got up and said, "Well it's time for me to go."

When they did that, I kind of did an emotional check on myself. What I found was that I felt used and abused and then left for no good on the side of the road. Now I know that I might sound a little over the top given the situation. I mean, I had just had a simple conversation with someone, right?

Well I got to thinking to myself about this awkward wave of emotions that overcame me. What I realized is that there were a few key factors at play.

The first of which was sharing my business. My privacy, is something I've been struggling with the past few months. What to share, what to keep. More importantly, why am I sharing some of the information that I am.

If I had to really be honest with myself I would have to say that a lot of it has to do with approval. Maybe some fear mixed in there, as well as the need to get support. In addition, it's a means of stroking my ego. Making me feel powerful, important. When the person doesn't say, "Great. Good Job." or "Good idea. You should go for it." or starts giving their take on the situation I feel worthless. Again, might sound over the top. But, if I was to do an honest reality check, this would be how I was feeling.

For someone else, this might be great. It might be exactly what they are looking for. Someone to push them into the decision or push them away from it. Someone to encourage or support them. At times, we all need that in our lives.

What I'm coming to learn is that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take the reigns. I need to give myself the push toward or away from a decision. And I need to weigh the pros and cons. On my own. I've depended too much on people throughout my life to encourage or discourage me. People's input has way way too much of an effect on my decisions and right now I'm not strong enough to just let them run off my shoulders and still do what I set my mind to.

So, the answer right now, is to simply keep things to myself. Work them out on my own. I can still say them out loud, just to hear myself and see how I feel about things. But maybe to people who aren't as influential in my life, like my bank teller.

This is a path that I need to tread lightly. I need to build it like a muscle, slowly. The ability to share and not let other's judgement have an effect on me.

I'm working on it. And in the meantime, building great strength from learning to hold things inside my own personal temple.

.

Rock Bottom

When you hit rock bottom.

What happens?

People say there's no way but up. Is this true?

I don't know. Could it be that some people just stay at the bottom, get comfortable there. Maybe they climb up, but only slightly up the sides and stay there. Again, I don't know. I would want to hope not.

I'd like to hope that when people hit rock bottom, they start to climb, eventually reaching the top of their hole. Where there's a new landscape, one very different than when they fell into the hole. A little like exiting a pipe in super mario world....

They then start walking away from the hole they came out of and start on their new journey. Their new journey. In this different world. Leaving the hole they were once in behind. This new landscape is full of new adventures.

But it's also filled with new potential holes for them to fall in. And they might fall into them. But falling in or avoiding them, as much as humanly possible, is all about being careful when they are walking around. They could run fast, be careless, get carried away with reaching a destination, not really caring about the mess they cause along the way. The result of this is that maybe they'd get to some destination, but a lot of times they wouldn't get anywhere they were specifically hoping for. They also wouldn't learn anything along the way. They'd become bored and restless, giving up, because they just ran through quickly.

Thinking back to when I was a kid, this is how I played video games. I would go through fast, give watchers the impression of confidence, but I burn out quickly, lose confidence, have a hard time pushing through obstacles and eventually quit. Especially when it got hard. I'd seem foolish, give myself too much credit for my abilities. Many times I'd have trouble sticking to a game, enjoying the landscape along the way, taking my time, being patient, pushing through obstacles.

This could be an analogy to how I've lived my life as an adult. I think something sounds like a good idea. I'd do it for a while, put my heart and soul into it, then give out. A little like falling carelessly into a hole. Without any energy to save myself as I fall all the way to the bottom.

What I have to work on is to play the game a little more carefully, but I also have to get better at playing the game my way. When I do then I can avoid the holes better. And also, I can remember that when I do enter the holes to alway reach my arms out and catch myself before I fall to far down. Then I can simply climb out and go on my way. I think playing too carefully, might keep you from avoiding the holes all together, but then there would be no thrill. And I think no matter who we are, where we come from, or where we are going, we're all looking to challenge ourselves and thrive on our accomplishments.

And with all this that I said, maybe some of us aren't into video games at all....

Flourishing

Picking a path and making a decision is one of the most difficult obstacles I'm facing at the moment. Part of it is that there's too many options to choose from.

My dad said to me not too long ago that to live one needs food. To acquire food, one needs money. It's a simple cause and effect relationship. He said the challenge is that, in this country, food is abundant and doesn't require much money.

Sometimes, well many times, it's really difficult for me to not see things his way. He's right. All we do need to survive is food. Shelter is good, but food more important. All the extras or luxuries of our culture are unnecessary. Again. I see his point. And. It's difficult for me to not feel drawn to his theory. I mean, do we really need that brand new flat screen TV, do we really need the most updated and swanky furniture, do we really need the luxury car or the giant house. No. The answer is really really simple, we don't need them. Not at all. Actually not in the slightest.

Maybe by going after all these things we're feeding into a compulsion, kind of like a monster. We're drawing ourselves away from our true selves, our potential, what we can most freely and authentically contribute to this world to both help it and advance it. The process of wanting, then acquiring, then using, then disposing of these things clutters our mind. Or does it?

One can argue that it's part of who we are to have things. It expresses our personality. It individuates us. I guess the answer is that, sure, it does. One can say that their profession, their sense of style, what they choose to purchase is all a way of expressing themselves.

I say yes, but the key is that it should be done in moderation, it should be done because one truly and genuinely gets happiness from it, and last, it helps the person be a better person. It supports and fosters their purpose.

Playing the Game

There's something about this world, about a culture, about a society, and about the self. There's two ways to live-one can either survive or one can flourish.

We all start with the notion and desire to want to flourish. Children, from infancy, want to love and be loved, they want to explore, they want to question, they want to try new things, they want to learn.

Children are energetic, give it their all and then take time to rest, to recharge. Children don't think of playing a game, at least not in the sense that I'm referring to here...maybe a little sand castling, but that's it. Children don't really think about what they should or not be doing.  How they are or should be acting. If someone likes them or doesn't like them. Children do not judge or worry about being judged by others. 

Children just are...

It's not until the world, culture, society, and eventually their self invade that things change. And they change in ways that aren't always positive. Ones upbringing is what determines how these four players can have an effect on a child, who eventually turns into me and you. If the world is seen as a scary and manipulative place, or if ones culture is something that one needs to be hide from, or if society is always out to get you, or if ones self turns on them...well then, one is left in a very deep, dark, uncontrolled, and lost space. 

And in order to survive one starts Playing the Game. 

This game is a means of getting through life. When one is playing the game they don't realize it. They look around at everyone else and convince themselves that they too are playing the game. Maybe some are.  

But not everyone is...

There's those. The actualized. Those who are flourishing or advancing in the world, their culture, society, and their self. Instead of just surviving. 

But, anyone can decide to stop Playing the Game. To become one of the minority who live life with more meaning, more passion, more emotion, more love, more satisfaction, more appreciation.

It's a choice to pull yourself out of the burning car and choose a new path that you decide the landscape of. 

Hobbies

There are some moments in life that one feels great. Other moments when one feels sad. And there are moments when one feels numb or empty.

That's how I feel this morning. I'm about to leave for my part time job, where I'm spending time as a chef in kitchen, and I feel like I'm heading to something unfulfilling. Sure, it's something I enjoy doing, it's a hobby to me. It where I go when I want to express myself and be creative. But to do it for 8 hours a day, I'm finding, is not something that's filling me up.

I remember when I agreed to the job, I said I wanted to spend time in the kitchen because it was a place where I could cook and be meditative. I still feel that way about it. I feel that this is what cooking is for me. I think we all have hobbies that calm us down, help us sort out our unconscious, and get back to being ourselves.

It's good to have these activities. Not everyone can meditate or sit through yoga. Some need to be active to calm their minds. I have family members who do all their thinking while cleaning. It works for them.

Mine is cooking. Right now, I'm devoting twenty hours a week to it. But I'm getting itchy. I need to be fulfilled. I need to start on the path of getting to a place where I know I'll be fulfilled.

I'm learning that my hobby is not my calling. It's my hobby.

I'm okay with that.

The Morning After

Today is the morning after my one year anniversary. When the announcement was made last year that I was to be the new "So and so" because of my talents of "X-Y-Z" I remember sitting there frozen. Feeling like a fraud. In a way I wasn't a fraud, because I had worked hard (by doing all the things I knew I should do) to get a position like this. But what felt fraudulent was all those steps I had taken, all those things I had done, had been, in a large part, carefully choreographed and orchestrated.

So what's wrong with that? For a long time I really thought there wasn't anything wrong with that. That this was how the world worked. You get somewhere, figure out how to play the game, play it, and then advance to the next rung of the ladder. Make more money, buy the dream home, frolic in the vacation time. Maybe this was the way the world worked. Heck, I believed it for a long time. And for many people they probably do believe it and go about their lives living it like this. But the difference between me and them is that the knot, that had formed in my stomach, as a result of living this way...well it was growing and becoming tighter. 

I felt that it had taken a hold of my innards and was tugging at everything-my stomach, my heart, my lungs. I was gasping for air, but there was less and less to be had. Finally, I felt so sick that I collapsed. My life collapsed around me and I didn't blink. I mourned and felt lost and felt hopeless and inadequate, but I didn't blink about letting go of it. It was a like a cancer that had gotten a hold of me that I now wanted to scape out of my body. So I let go of it all and held myself. 

Days passed. Huge chunks of time, where looking back, I can't remember what was accomplished. Most likely nothing because I sat there in my own headspace, with only my journal at times. Everything was so hard to do. Even preparing something to eat seemed like a mountain. The only piece of my life that I wanted to hold onto, even though I felt I had nothing to give to it or nurture it, was my relationship to my husband. 

Even though I wanted to tear everything in my life apart, piece my piece. Even though the tornado came through and whipped everything around and tore my heart to shreds. The one main reason I was able to gather everything and temporarily duck tape it together was because of the strength I received from the love we have. That love is what gave me the energy to get to the place of numbness. This place where the storm has passed and now the clean up and new beginnings will start. 

As I sit here this morning on this day after and feel the warmth of the sunshine through my large window I feel blessed. I feel blessed for the opportunities that life has ahead of me. I feel blessed for this year of madness that has passed. I feel blessed for the lessons that life has taught me these past ten years that I've essentially been on my own. 

I know what's next in my life...

The next phase is to know myself, to become whole, to start living the life I was meant to live, to be who I am and to trust and embrace all of this that we call the universe. Because without us it wouldn't be what it is and with it we wouldn't be who we are...

I am thankful for this morning after....

Quarterlife Crisis...The Beginning

I'm in the midst of a quarter life crisis. A year ago today my life dramatically changed. This date, one year ago, I thought. No I truly, honestly, believed that I would never be happy again. I felt that life had gone my way for so long and that the life I had built was so perfect, I had been so happy. All the lego pieces fit into each other perfectly and I was happy. But then everything crumbled...and I believed that life had finally caught up to me, it was the end of my youth of my happiness and that I had to accept this new life of mine, where I would be miserable. That's just the way it was suppose to be and I just had to suck it up and carry on.

What happened this day one year ago was actually suppose to be a wonderful step forward. I had just received an amazing promotion. One that few my age would have ever received at my profession. Everything that came with it-the perks, the prestige, the money was all anyone could ask for. I had worked hard for this promotion. For five years I worked as hard as I could, I not only showed up to meetings, but I really showed up. I participated in professional development that I didn't have to, I always went the extra mile, I said the right things at the right time, I smiled, I never complained, I supported, I praised. I was the perfect employee.

I felt strong last year. I started running, something I would have never imagined I could ever do. I even signed up and completed three races.

My love life was also great. I was married to a wonderful man, had been for four years, been together with him for eight years. I was lucky to have found the love of my life and expect for a few small bumps, had built an amazing life with him.

I had it all. Great job, financial security, wonderful husband, athletic goals achieved. I was chugging through my twenties on the smoothest road possible. Looking in for the outside, people thought I had it all. Dang, I thought I had it all.

But then my life fell apart...

I fell apart....

I died. I felt like I was dying. And looking back, I see that on this day, my perfect life, that I thought was perfect, vanished.

It was like a tornado came through and whipped through my heart. Shook up my core, swirled everything around, and left. And my body was left to pick of the pieces of this severely scattered heart and somehow figure out what to do next.

What was next was what's happened this past year. It was to pick those pieces up and put them together somehow. I've worked hard this past year. I've picked up the pieces alright, haphazardly arranged them together and ducked taped the entire mess just barley into place.

But that's where I'm at. Still a lot of work to do.

I sit here. One year later in this state of numbness. Yes, I'm functioning--eating, moving about, talking to others, which is much progress made. But numb. Confused. Uncertain. Emotionless, but emotional at the same time. Looking for signs around me. Waiting for something to throw me a rope.

My first year of my quarter life crisis has come and gone. And I feel like it's only just the beginning....