Used and Abused

I think I've just had an enlightening moment in my life.

This past weekend I was spending time with some people. I was sitting down with one person and he started asking questions, like, "What's new?" and all of a sudden I felt myself talking about myself-sharing the changes in my life, all that I was planning on doing, upcoming decisions I was pondering. During that time, the person I was talking to was agreeing with me, giving me praise, or putting down my ideas and plans. Sometimes the advice was conflicting.

At the end of this short conversation, the person just got up and said, "Well it's time for me to go."

When they did that, I kind of did an emotional check on myself. What I found was that I felt used and abused and then left for no good on the side of the road. Now I know that I might sound a little over the top given the situation. I mean, I had just had a simple conversation with someone, right?

Well I got to thinking to myself about this awkward wave of emotions that overcame me. What I realized is that there were a few key factors at play.

The first of which was sharing my business. My privacy, is something I've been struggling with the past few months. What to share, what to keep. More importantly, why am I sharing some of the information that I am.

If I had to really be honest with myself I would have to say that a lot of it has to do with approval. Maybe some fear mixed in there, as well as the need to get support. In addition, it's a means of stroking my ego. Making me feel powerful, important. When the person doesn't say, "Great. Good Job." or "Good idea. You should go for it." or starts giving their take on the situation I feel worthless. Again, might sound over the top. But, if I was to do an honest reality check, this would be how I was feeling.

For someone else, this might be great. It might be exactly what they are looking for. Someone to push them into the decision or push them away from it. Someone to encourage or support them. At times, we all need that in our lives.

What I'm coming to learn is that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take the reigns. I need to give myself the push toward or away from a decision. And I need to weigh the pros and cons. On my own. I've depended too much on people throughout my life to encourage or discourage me. People's input has way way too much of an effect on my decisions and right now I'm not strong enough to just let them run off my shoulders and still do what I set my mind to.

So, the answer right now, is to simply keep things to myself. Work them out on my own. I can still say them out loud, just to hear myself and see how I feel about things. But maybe to people who aren't as influential in my life, like my bank teller.

This is a path that I need to tread lightly. I need to build it like a muscle, slowly. The ability to share and not let other's judgement have an effect on me.

I'm working on it. And in the meantime, building great strength from learning to hold things inside my own personal temple.

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Rock Bottom

When you hit rock bottom.

What happens?

People say there's no way but up. Is this true?

I don't know. Could it be that some people just stay at the bottom, get comfortable there. Maybe they climb up, but only slightly up the sides and stay there. Again, I don't know. I would want to hope not.

I'd like to hope that when people hit rock bottom, they start to climb, eventually reaching the top of their hole. Where there's a new landscape, one very different than when they fell into the hole. A little like exiting a pipe in super mario world....

They then start walking away from the hole they came out of and start on their new journey. Their new journey. In this different world. Leaving the hole they were once in behind. This new landscape is full of new adventures.

But it's also filled with new potential holes for them to fall in. And they might fall into them. But falling in or avoiding them, as much as humanly possible, is all about being careful when they are walking around. They could run fast, be careless, get carried away with reaching a destination, not really caring about the mess they cause along the way. The result of this is that maybe they'd get to some destination, but a lot of times they wouldn't get anywhere they were specifically hoping for. They also wouldn't learn anything along the way. They'd become bored and restless, giving up, because they just ran through quickly.

Thinking back to when I was a kid, this is how I played video games. I would go through fast, give watchers the impression of confidence, but I burn out quickly, lose confidence, have a hard time pushing through obstacles and eventually quit. Especially when it got hard. I'd seem foolish, give myself too much credit for my abilities. Many times I'd have trouble sticking to a game, enjoying the landscape along the way, taking my time, being patient, pushing through obstacles.

This could be an analogy to how I've lived my life as an adult. I think something sounds like a good idea. I'd do it for a while, put my heart and soul into it, then give out. A little like falling carelessly into a hole. Without any energy to save myself as I fall all the way to the bottom.

What I have to work on is to play the game a little more carefully, but I also have to get better at playing the game my way. When I do then I can avoid the holes better. And also, I can remember that when I do enter the holes to alway reach my arms out and catch myself before I fall to far down. Then I can simply climb out and go on my way. I think playing too carefully, might keep you from avoiding the holes all together, but then there would be no thrill. And I think no matter who we are, where we come from, or where we are going, we're all looking to challenge ourselves and thrive on our accomplishments.

And with all this that I said, maybe some of us aren't into video games at all....