Used and Abused

I think I've just had an enlightening moment in my life.

This past weekend I was spending time with some people. I was sitting down with one person and he started asking questions, like, "What's new?" and all of a sudden I felt myself talking about myself-sharing the changes in my life, all that I was planning on doing, upcoming decisions I was pondering. During that time, the person I was talking to was agreeing with me, giving me praise, or putting down my ideas and plans. Sometimes the advice was conflicting.

At the end of this short conversation, the person just got up and said, "Well it's time for me to go."

When they did that, I kind of did an emotional check on myself. What I found was that I felt used and abused and then left for no good on the side of the road. Now I know that I might sound a little over the top given the situation. I mean, I had just had a simple conversation with someone, right?

Well I got to thinking to myself about this awkward wave of emotions that overcame me. What I realized is that there were a few key factors at play.

The first of which was sharing my business. My privacy, is something I've been struggling with the past few months. What to share, what to keep. More importantly, why am I sharing some of the information that I am.

If I had to really be honest with myself I would have to say that a lot of it has to do with approval. Maybe some fear mixed in there, as well as the need to get support. In addition, it's a means of stroking my ego. Making me feel powerful, important. When the person doesn't say, "Great. Good Job." or "Good idea. You should go for it." or starts giving their take on the situation I feel worthless. Again, might sound over the top. But, if I was to do an honest reality check, this would be how I was feeling.

For someone else, this might be great. It might be exactly what they are looking for. Someone to push them into the decision or push them away from it. Someone to encourage or support them. At times, we all need that in our lives.

What I'm coming to learn is that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take the reigns. I need to give myself the push toward or away from a decision. And I need to weigh the pros and cons. On my own. I've depended too much on people throughout my life to encourage or discourage me. People's input has way way too much of an effect on my decisions and right now I'm not strong enough to just let them run off my shoulders and still do what I set my mind to.

So, the answer right now, is to simply keep things to myself. Work them out on my own. I can still say them out loud, just to hear myself and see how I feel about things. But maybe to people who aren't as influential in my life, like my bank teller.

This is a path that I need to tread lightly. I need to build it like a muscle, slowly. The ability to share and not let other's judgement have an effect on me.

I'm working on it. And in the meantime, building great strength from learning to hold things inside my own personal temple.

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