Where To Go

As the end of the year nears I'm starting to get very antsy. I have this unsettled feeling. This need for creation. A desire to move forward. A need for answers. A desire to find solutions. I just want to move forward. I'm feeling so restless. So unsure.

So what does one do during these times? Sit still? Wait for answers? Yes. That is the answer. During the meantime cherish the moments that you have. The quiet that you have. The things presented to you.

Crying Rain

drip. drop.
the rain falls steadily and calmly.
drip. drop.
water hanging on the electrical lines that pass outside my window.
drip. drop.
Energy pouring down.
Weeping calm.
Pause.
The street is quite.
All bundled up.
drip. drop.
slight breezes break the time.
It lingers. Tugs.
Cleanses.
drip. drop.

Cloudy Days

Cloudy days. Cool breezes. Warm bread. And a salad.

Sometimes simplicity, feeling, thoughts and the meditative nourishment of a crisp cool salad is the only thing that will feed a restless tired and wanting soul.

Nothing else.

Breath

During the hardest times of one's life all a person can do is breath. They can't control. They can't predict. They can't sprint quickly forward (like they might want to do). All they can do is breath.

Breathing brings calm. Which leads to clarity. Which leads to trust. Which leads to action. Leading to accomplishments for one's soul. This then leads to enlightenment which brings forth true, sacred, eternal peace and happiness. 

Breath....

Ten Years Later

Is it possible to have a dream, then put it on the shelf somewhere, only to take it out a long time later, dust if off, look at it, and then start pursuing it again?

I'm feeling that way lately. I'm feeling like taking that old dream that I had put on the shelf and unpacking it. The amazing thing is that when I put it on the shelf all that time ago, I knew that I would be coming back to it. I just needed time. Time to grow. Time to evolve. Time to learn. Time to come into myself.

That old dusty box is now shaking. It doesn't want to sit still. I know it's filled with magical powers and it's calling to be opened and released.

Yet, I must be patient. I know I'm almost there, but there are a few things left for me to learn before I can take hold of that wonderful box. These final steps are the hardest. A little like the final exam of a long course. I'm scared of not finishing, of not doing well, of collapsing at the last second.

Yet, I know in my gut that I'll make it. I'll finish the process. The process to reach that wonderful, magical box that's will allow me to fly...one day I will fly...

Used and Abused

I think I've just had an enlightening moment in my life.

This past weekend I was spending time with some people. I was sitting down with one person and he started asking questions, like, "What's new?" and all of a sudden I felt myself talking about myself-sharing the changes in my life, all that I was planning on doing, upcoming decisions I was pondering. During that time, the person I was talking to was agreeing with me, giving me praise, or putting down my ideas and plans. Sometimes the advice was conflicting.

At the end of this short conversation, the person just got up and said, "Well it's time for me to go."

When they did that, I kind of did an emotional check on myself. What I found was that I felt used and abused and then left for no good on the side of the road. Now I know that I might sound a little over the top given the situation. I mean, I had just had a simple conversation with someone, right?

Well I got to thinking to myself about this awkward wave of emotions that overcame me. What I realized is that there were a few key factors at play.

The first of which was sharing my business. My privacy, is something I've been struggling with the past few months. What to share, what to keep. More importantly, why am I sharing some of the information that I am.

If I had to really be honest with myself I would have to say that a lot of it has to do with approval. Maybe some fear mixed in there, as well as the need to get support. In addition, it's a means of stroking my ego. Making me feel powerful, important. When the person doesn't say, "Great. Good Job." or "Good idea. You should go for it." or starts giving their take on the situation I feel worthless. Again, might sound over the top. But, if I was to do an honest reality check, this would be how I was feeling.

For someone else, this might be great. It might be exactly what they are looking for. Someone to push them into the decision or push them away from it. Someone to encourage or support them. At times, we all need that in our lives.

What I'm coming to learn is that I'm at a point in my life where I need to take the reigns. I need to give myself the push toward or away from a decision. And I need to weigh the pros and cons. On my own. I've depended too much on people throughout my life to encourage or discourage me. People's input has way way too much of an effect on my decisions and right now I'm not strong enough to just let them run off my shoulders and still do what I set my mind to.

So, the answer right now, is to simply keep things to myself. Work them out on my own. I can still say them out loud, just to hear myself and see how I feel about things. But maybe to people who aren't as influential in my life, like my bank teller.

This is a path that I need to tread lightly. I need to build it like a muscle, slowly. The ability to share and not let other's judgement have an effect on me.

I'm working on it. And in the meantime, building great strength from learning to hold things inside my own personal temple.

.

Rock Bottom

When you hit rock bottom.

What happens?

People say there's no way but up. Is this true?

I don't know. Could it be that some people just stay at the bottom, get comfortable there. Maybe they climb up, but only slightly up the sides and stay there. Again, I don't know. I would want to hope not.

I'd like to hope that when people hit rock bottom, they start to climb, eventually reaching the top of their hole. Where there's a new landscape, one very different than when they fell into the hole. A little like exiting a pipe in super mario world....

They then start walking away from the hole they came out of and start on their new journey. Their new journey. In this different world. Leaving the hole they were once in behind. This new landscape is full of new adventures.

But it's also filled with new potential holes for them to fall in. And they might fall into them. But falling in or avoiding them, as much as humanly possible, is all about being careful when they are walking around. They could run fast, be careless, get carried away with reaching a destination, not really caring about the mess they cause along the way. The result of this is that maybe they'd get to some destination, but a lot of times they wouldn't get anywhere they were specifically hoping for. They also wouldn't learn anything along the way. They'd become bored and restless, giving up, because they just ran through quickly.

Thinking back to when I was a kid, this is how I played video games. I would go through fast, give watchers the impression of confidence, but I burn out quickly, lose confidence, have a hard time pushing through obstacles and eventually quit. Especially when it got hard. I'd seem foolish, give myself too much credit for my abilities. Many times I'd have trouble sticking to a game, enjoying the landscape along the way, taking my time, being patient, pushing through obstacles.

This could be an analogy to how I've lived my life as an adult. I think something sounds like a good idea. I'd do it for a while, put my heart and soul into it, then give out. A little like falling carelessly into a hole. Without any energy to save myself as I fall all the way to the bottom.

What I have to work on is to play the game a little more carefully, but I also have to get better at playing the game my way. When I do then I can avoid the holes better. And also, I can remember that when I do enter the holes to alway reach my arms out and catch myself before I fall to far down. Then I can simply climb out and go on my way. I think playing too carefully, might keep you from avoiding the holes all together, but then there would be no thrill. And I think no matter who we are, where we come from, or where we are going, we're all looking to challenge ourselves and thrive on our accomplishments.

And with all this that I said, maybe some of us aren't into video games at all....

Flourishing

Picking a path and making a decision is one of the most difficult obstacles I'm facing at the moment. Part of it is that there's too many options to choose from.

My dad said to me not too long ago that to live one needs food. To acquire food, one needs money. It's a simple cause and effect relationship. He said the challenge is that, in this country, food is abundant and doesn't require much money.

Sometimes, well many times, it's really difficult for me to not see things his way. He's right. All we do need to survive is food. Shelter is good, but food more important. All the extras or luxuries of our culture are unnecessary. Again. I see his point. And. It's difficult for me to not feel drawn to his theory. I mean, do we really need that brand new flat screen TV, do we really need the most updated and swanky furniture, do we really need the luxury car or the giant house. No. The answer is really really simple, we don't need them. Not at all. Actually not in the slightest.

Maybe by going after all these things we're feeding into a compulsion, kind of like a monster. We're drawing ourselves away from our true selves, our potential, what we can most freely and authentically contribute to this world to both help it and advance it. The process of wanting, then acquiring, then using, then disposing of these things clutters our mind. Or does it?

One can argue that it's part of who we are to have things. It expresses our personality. It individuates us. I guess the answer is that, sure, it does. One can say that their profession, their sense of style, what they choose to purchase is all a way of expressing themselves.

I say yes, but the key is that it should be done in moderation, it should be done because one truly and genuinely gets happiness from it, and last, it helps the person be a better person. It supports and fosters their purpose.

Playing the Game

There's something about this world, about a culture, about a society, and about the self. There's two ways to live-one can either survive or one can flourish.

We all start with the notion and desire to want to flourish. Children, from infancy, want to love and be loved, they want to explore, they want to question, they want to try new things, they want to learn.

Children are energetic, give it their all and then take time to rest, to recharge. Children don't think of playing a game, at least not in the sense that I'm referring to here...maybe a little sand castling, but that's it. Children don't really think about what they should or not be doing.  How they are or should be acting. If someone likes them or doesn't like them. Children do not judge or worry about being judged by others. 

Children just are...

It's not until the world, culture, society, and eventually their self invade that things change. And they change in ways that aren't always positive. Ones upbringing is what determines how these four players can have an effect on a child, who eventually turns into me and you. If the world is seen as a scary and manipulative place, or if ones culture is something that one needs to be hide from, or if society is always out to get you, or if ones self turns on them...well then, one is left in a very deep, dark, uncontrolled, and lost space. 

And in order to survive one starts Playing the Game. 

This game is a means of getting through life. When one is playing the game they don't realize it. They look around at everyone else and convince themselves that they too are playing the game. Maybe some are.  

But not everyone is...

There's those. The actualized. Those who are flourishing or advancing in the world, their culture, society, and their self. Instead of just surviving. 

But, anyone can decide to stop Playing the Game. To become one of the minority who live life with more meaning, more passion, more emotion, more love, more satisfaction, more appreciation.

It's a choice to pull yourself out of the burning car and choose a new path that you decide the landscape of. 

Hobbies

There are some moments in life that one feels great. Other moments when one feels sad. And there are moments when one feels numb or empty.

That's how I feel this morning. I'm about to leave for my part time job, where I'm spending time as a chef in kitchen, and I feel like I'm heading to something unfulfilling. Sure, it's something I enjoy doing, it's a hobby to me. It where I go when I want to express myself and be creative. But to do it for 8 hours a day, I'm finding, is not something that's filling me up.

I remember when I agreed to the job, I said I wanted to spend time in the kitchen because it was a place where I could cook and be meditative. I still feel that way about it. I feel that this is what cooking is for me. I think we all have hobbies that calm us down, help us sort out our unconscious, and get back to being ourselves.

It's good to have these activities. Not everyone can meditate or sit through yoga. Some need to be active to calm their minds. I have family members who do all their thinking while cleaning. It works for them.

Mine is cooking. Right now, I'm devoting twenty hours a week to it. But I'm getting itchy. I need to be fulfilled. I need to start on the path of getting to a place where I know I'll be fulfilled.

I'm learning that my hobby is not my calling. It's my hobby.

I'm okay with that.

The Morning After

Today is the morning after my one year anniversary. When the announcement was made last year that I was to be the new "So and so" because of my talents of "X-Y-Z" I remember sitting there frozen. Feeling like a fraud. In a way I wasn't a fraud, because I had worked hard (by doing all the things I knew I should do) to get a position like this. But what felt fraudulent was all those steps I had taken, all those things I had done, had been, in a large part, carefully choreographed and orchestrated.

So what's wrong with that? For a long time I really thought there wasn't anything wrong with that. That this was how the world worked. You get somewhere, figure out how to play the game, play it, and then advance to the next rung of the ladder. Make more money, buy the dream home, frolic in the vacation time. Maybe this was the way the world worked. Heck, I believed it for a long time. And for many people they probably do believe it and go about their lives living it like this. But the difference between me and them is that the knot, that had formed in my stomach, as a result of living this way...well it was growing and becoming tighter. 

I felt that it had taken a hold of my innards and was tugging at everything-my stomach, my heart, my lungs. I was gasping for air, but there was less and less to be had. Finally, I felt so sick that I collapsed. My life collapsed around me and I didn't blink. I mourned and felt lost and felt hopeless and inadequate, but I didn't blink about letting go of it. It was a like a cancer that had gotten a hold of me that I now wanted to scape out of my body. So I let go of it all and held myself. 

Days passed. Huge chunks of time, where looking back, I can't remember what was accomplished. Most likely nothing because I sat there in my own headspace, with only my journal at times. Everything was so hard to do. Even preparing something to eat seemed like a mountain. The only piece of my life that I wanted to hold onto, even though I felt I had nothing to give to it or nurture it, was my relationship to my husband. 

Even though I wanted to tear everything in my life apart, piece my piece. Even though the tornado came through and whipped everything around and tore my heart to shreds. The one main reason I was able to gather everything and temporarily duck tape it together was because of the strength I received from the love we have. That love is what gave me the energy to get to the place of numbness. This place where the storm has passed and now the clean up and new beginnings will start. 

As I sit here this morning on this day after and feel the warmth of the sunshine through my large window I feel blessed. I feel blessed for the opportunities that life has ahead of me. I feel blessed for this year of madness that has passed. I feel blessed for the lessons that life has taught me these past ten years that I've essentially been on my own. 

I know what's next in my life...

The next phase is to know myself, to become whole, to start living the life I was meant to live, to be who I am and to trust and embrace all of this that we call the universe. Because without us it wouldn't be what it is and with it we wouldn't be who we are...

I am thankful for this morning after....

Quarterlife Crisis...The Beginning

I'm in the midst of a quarter life crisis. A year ago today my life dramatically changed. This date, one year ago, I thought. No I truly, honestly, believed that I would never be happy again. I felt that life had gone my way for so long and that the life I had built was so perfect, I had been so happy. All the lego pieces fit into each other perfectly and I was happy. But then everything crumbled...and I believed that life had finally caught up to me, it was the end of my youth of my happiness and that I had to accept this new life of mine, where I would be miserable. That's just the way it was suppose to be and I just had to suck it up and carry on.

What happened this day one year ago was actually suppose to be a wonderful step forward. I had just received an amazing promotion. One that few my age would have ever received at my profession. Everything that came with it-the perks, the prestige, the money was all anyone could ask for. I had worked hard for this promotion. For five years I worked as hard as I could, I not only showed up to meetings, but I really showed up. I participated in professional development that I didn't have to, I always went the extra mile, I said the right things at the right time, I smiled, I never complained, I supported, I praised. I was the perfect employee.

I felt strong last year. I started running, something I would have never imagined I could ever do. I even signed up and completed three races.

My love life was also great. I was married to a wonderful man, had been for four years, been together with him for eight years. I was lucky to have found the love of my life and expect for a few small bumps, had built an amazing life with him.

I had it all. Great job, financial security, wonderful husband, athletic goals achieved. I was chugging through my twenties on the smoothest road possible. Looking in for the outside, people thought I had it all. Dang, I thought I had it all.

But then my life fell apart...

I fell apart....

I died. I felt like I was dying. And looking back, I see that on this day, my perfect life, that I thought was perfect, vanished.

It was like a tornado came through and whipped through my heart. Shook up my core, swirled everything around, and left. And my body was left to pick of the pieces of this severely scattered heart and somehow figure out what to do next.

What was next was what's happened this past year. It was to pick those pieces up and put them together somehow. I've worked hard this past year. I've picked up the pieces alright, haphazardly arranged them together and ducked taped the entire mess just barley into place.

But that's where I'm at. Still a lot of work to do.

I sit here. One year later in this state of numbness. Yes, I'm functioning--eating, moving about, talking to others, which is much progress made. But numb. Confused. Uncertain. Emotionless, but emotional at the same time. Looking for signs around me. Waiting for something to throw me a rope.

My first year of my quarter life crisis has come and gone. And I feel like it's only just the beginning....