Unsure

I feel so unsure at this moment. So lost. So scared. I've taken on a temp job as a bid coordinator. It's both been a blessing and a curse. The blessing part is that it's brought me back face to face with the subject that I enjoy. The subject I choose. I feel empowered by it. There's so much to this job I like. I like the guy I'm working with/for. I like the fact that I'm helping him out. I think I like the other two ladies, although they are pretty anxious. I like the simplicity of my work and the fact that, for the most part, I can figure it out. I really enjoy the drive. Its seems to be the right balance of distance, time, and traffic. The curse is that I feel like I should be making more money, for the degrees I hold (greedy), that the environment is turning me to my old ways, making me hostile (feeling unsure of my ability to hold myself), the other people that are there that speaking about their personal lives and things of silliness while the people who work for them are terribly anxious. Its so sad. It's so sad to see the women who sit around me anxious while the men seem happy go lucky. But I guess they are not. I guess they let our their frustration through yelling. It's so difficult being there right now. I feel so stuck.

Art

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes
Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand
We’ll hide til it’s over, til it’s all over
We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me, I’ll hold on to you

----

What gave me away?
Was it my face?
It’s written on there clear as day isn’t it?
Well, that’s one thing that’s still the same
And I won’t lie to you love
I’m not okay
I’ve already spent too much time hiding that
And that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Passions I laid to rest may still have some life in them
So dig, dig with me
Let’s raise this thing from the dead
And breathe some life in it
Believe with me
We always say that we know how
To make light of what’s heaviest somehow
Tell me that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Lean my weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Lean our weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Let’s get our hands dirty

----

The bar is set so high that I can walk right under
Can’t reach even on my tippy toes
No matter how far I run in training for this marathon
I trip and fall, lose by a nose
Then something taps me on the shoulder
I listen when it’s older than me, it says
Look up, reach out your hand
You can’t see anything new ‘til you change where you stand
I’ll throw you a rope
You know you’re just a fellow prisoner of hope
Another day, another no
Sucker punch leaves me bunched on the floor (woe is me)
This is when I fall into a downward spiral
Negative thoughts feed vanity (& I’m so hungry)
From the high wall
Sometimes all we see is how hard we could fall
So what if we do
Rise mud-scraped & bruised
Maybe we have to be a little bit broken to hear hope call

 

Steps Forward

Today was my second day at work. More progress. More steps forward. More to learn. More to practice my confidence. More to continue to strive for my goals. More to continue to stand up for myself. More to continue to control my emotions. More to tap into my soul's needs. More to grow. More to live. More to strive. More to believe. More to achieve. Finding purpose.

    

Grateful

I'm so so grateful today. Just like that. Within 24 hours, my dreams were delivered. An entry-level type of position in the industry I'm after. Working for a roofing contractor. I'm happy. I know there's going to be challenges ahead. I know there's going to be a lot to learn and a lot of emotions to go through, but I'm ready. It's the time. It's the window opening to a new direction.