Tired, Hopeless, Searching

I'm feeling tired, hopeless, and searching. Max has gotten me in this constant struggle for his needs. It's a combination of guilt, followed by pressures, followed by decision making. It's a rollercoaster coaster with constant climaxes. Sometimes the answer is to just ignore, let him be. Have him learn how to self-soothe, find things to do. And then it hits me. Like now, as I'm writing this. He's a dog. I'm writing this about a dog. But I come around back to my care for each and every creature. My respect for their needs, wants, and desire to become whole. I can't just ignore, I can't just turn off. I can't make things about me. This is who I am. I'm sure in it, there are wonderful things that can be produced. But, I need to embrace this. So far in my life I feel that I haven't. I've always looked outside, to what others are doing and fought to become like them. What this criteria is or why or where this odd desire comes from I don't know. I can't assume it's from my mother's lack of appreciation for my own unique gifts and my father's push to know things because I should. In this case, know about myself. But this has left me in a mess, and I still am in it. A struggle everyday. I know the only way to overcome it and return back to myself is to release some of the habits I've built up. Let go, this will make room for more. It's hard, but I want it so badly.

Time Makes Things Ordinary

Things have settled a bit. Having Max, has picked me up off my feet and got me a little closer to who I am. I feel a bit more alive again. It feels good.

Having him has had its ups and downs. And I'm learning from them. He's still super active, sometimes a little all over the place. We're trying to make him a little more calm, a little more like us. Teaching him to enjoy the small pleasures in life and to cherish the good place he has in our home. I think it will take time, but he's getting there.

Knowing that I'm influencing him and my behavior is shaping who he is is a big responsibility. All it can do is make you have confidence. You have to have, because without it he would be wild. It also takes you back closer to who you are. Because if you're not yourself, you're not confidence.

That's where I am at right now. It feels good. It feel right. It feels like the next step forward.

Love Him

I love him. He's truly amazing. His personality is the best. He's so active, so kind, so loving, so curious, so confident. He's also a little scared, wants more freedom than he can handle, and sometimes a little too loving. But he's perfect. He's perfect because he's him. He's himself. He just needs love, attention, and soothing, but he's perfect.

God gives amazing things when one can push through fear and enter the unknown.

Max

O God. I got a dog.
This is a crazy new experience for me.
I'm a little stressed.
I don't know what to do or how to act.
Don't know how to take care of him.
Feel like he will hurt himself if I don't watch him.
I'm just scared.
Having a few seconds thoughts on why I agreed to this.
I feel like it's too much pressure.
Too much to handle.
I'm thinking about how my parents will feel.
Especially to how the house smells.
He's really sweet though.
Really cute.
But I'm so scared he's a lot of work.
I can't believe we got him.
That he's here.
Makes me think about having a kid and how I'd feel about that.
Maybe I'm not ready for kids.
Maybe it's too much work.
Maybe it's too overwhelming.
Gosh I'm scared of so much.
I feel like it's all too much.
This is super super stressful.
He just ate a pit and I'm worried about him. I worry about him. I don't know if I'm ready for a kid. I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I hope I get the strength and the vision to figure it out.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

I've always been afraid to put my best foot forward. I've been afraid that others will judge me, think I'm gloating, or I'll put out the wrong energy and overwhelm people.

Bottom line, I'm an emotional person. I have highs and I have downs. When I'm nervous I'm very high.  Loud, cheery, rambling. It's who I am. I think in most of the interviews I'd had, it's boded me well. Well except for the technical ones. But maybe that's a sign. A good one, of who I am. It's natural. I'm not perfect. It's who I am. I hope people can see through it and understand it's because I'm nervous.  When things get hopeless or go wrong, I'm sad. I hurt, I get angry, I get mad. Again-it's who I am. The good thing is that I've learned to let go. To accept that the big things in life are sometimes out of my control. Who likes me, who doesn't. Who or what dies or lives. Who will be there for me, who will not. Who I will connect with, who I will not. These are part of a bigger picture and bigger plan. I am not the only one in control. Life, energy, freedom, purpose, God, they too are all part of the equation. And. Letting them be is part of achieving true peace.

So, if putting my best foot forward means I come off as the person I come off at that exact moment. Then that is good. That is meant to be. That is done for me. To embrace it, notice it, learn from it, confirm it. That is what I do. That is where my heart of happiness instills.

Weight

Things that hold us back.

Maybe we all have things in our minds that hold us back. Unfortunately, some of us have those things that are visible. I have my weight. I've been able to push through it for most of my life-I went to college, got a job, got married. I did all those despite my being over weight.

However, it still holds me back.

Sad , Nervous

I feel sad today and nervous. I feel sad because I'v started on a weight loss journey. It's been a week and a day and I'm coming up against some challenges. One of which is that my body is having trouble with the hunger associated with eating less. I end up eating more later in the day and going a bit over what I'm suppose to and then my body doesn't feel go. It seems a bit like a roller-coaster. I'm hoping to find my balance soon, but I know it's going to take some work. I want to commit to moving my body again, getting toned and getting my muscles stronger, but my food needs to settle down. I hope I can do that in the next week or so.

 The second part, why I'm nervous is because I have a phone interview tomorrow. I'm so exhausted of interviewing. I know I haven't done that many, but I'm just feeling confused and tired. I'm also feeling a bit said-how to tell my story this time, what should I act like, am I going to be too forward and the person won't like me, do I hold back a bit and risk coming off uninterested or unenthusiastic. Then comes the part of passing the phone screening, but then going in. Having them see me and decide, based on how I look, that I wouldn't be able to do the job. That hurts a lot. I'm not sure if it's a self fulfilling prophecy, or something with truth. I hope one day in my life I can get to the point where I won't have to think about that. I hope. But, with all this said, I'm going to wake up tomorrow and just do my best and let God do the rest.

 

Going Through Not Around

A lesson I've learned is that you must go through pain not around. Failure can lead to momentary pause, but one must get back on the horse and go through the pain. That seems to be the only way.

Two years ago, I quit. I quit from myself. I didn't make a plan, I just quit. I couldn't take what I was doing anymore. Mentally, I quit. The big lesson I've learned from this is that one must feel ahead, plan ahead, and value themselves to make the right decision for themselves before it's too late. 

Sometimes I fill my mind with too much. Too much of what other's are going through. Sure, it's easy for others to speak to me. Heck, I probably make it easy, but it's too much for me. I'm not a garbage disposal for emotions. People need to find their own way. I need to focus on myself, my goals, and where I want to go.

Through not around. That's where I feel I'm headed next. 

Unsure

I feel so unsure at this moment. So lost. So scared. I've taken on a temp job as a bid coordinator. It's both been a blessing and a curse. The blessing part is that it's brought me back face to face with the subject that I enjoy. The subject I choose. I feel empowered by it. There's so much to this job I like. I like the guy I'm working with/for. I like the fact that I'm helping him out. I think I like the other two ladies, although they are pretty anxious. I like the simplicity of my work and the fact that, for the most part, I can figure it out. I really enjoy the drive. Its seems to be the right balance of distance, time, and traffic. The curse is that I feel like I should be making more money, for the degrees I hold (greedy), that the environment is turning me to my old ways, making me hostile (feeling unsure of my ability to hold myself), the other people that are there that speaking about their personal lives and things of silliness while the people who work for them are terribly anxious. Its so sad. It's so sad to see the women who sit around me anxious while the men seem happy go lucky. But I guess they are not. I guess they let our their frustration through yelling. It's so difficult being there right now. I feel so stuck.

Art

When your world trembles and quakes
And your footing suddenly shifts and shakes
Take my hand
We’ll hide in the corner, hide in the corner
Take my hand
We’ll hide til it’s over, til it’s all over
We have choices to make
We have promises that we can’t break
There is nothing left to lose
So hold on to me, I’ll hold on to you

----

What gave me away?
Was it my face?
It’s written on there clear as day isn’t it?
Well, that’s one thing that’s still the same
And I won’t lie to you love
I’m not okay
I’ve already spent too much time hiding that
And that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Passions I laid to rest may still have some life in them
So dig, dig with me
Let’s raise this thing from the dead
And breathe some life in it
Believe with me
We always say that we know how
To make light of what’s heaviest somehow
Tell me that’s one thing that hasn’t changed
Lean my weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Lean our weight, lean our weight, lean our weight
Let’s get our hands dirty

----

The bar is set so high that I can walk right under
Can’t reach even on my tippy toes
No matter how far I run in training for this marathon
I trip and fall, lose by a nose
Then something taps me on the shoulder
I listen when it’s older than me, it says
Look up, reach out your hand
You can’t see anything new ‘til you change where you stand
I’ll throw you a rope
You know you’re just a fellow prisoner of hope
Another day, another no
Sucker punch leaves me bunched on the floor (woe is me)
This is when I fall into a downward spiral
Negative thoughts feed vanity (& I’m so hungry)
From the high wall
Sometimes all we see is how hard we could fall
So what if we do
Rise mud-scraped & bruised
Maybe we have to be a little bit broken to hear hope call

 

Steps Forward

Today was my second day at work. More progress. More steps forward. More to learn. More to practice my confidence. More to continue to strive for my goals. More to continue to stand up for myself. More to continue to control my emotions. More to tap into my soul's needs. More to grow. More to live. More to strive. More to believe. More to achieve. Finding purpose.

    

Grateful

I'm so so grateful today. Just like that. Within 24 hours, my dreams were delivered. An entry-level type of position in the industry I'm after. Working for a roofing contractor. I'm happy. I know there's going to be challenges ahead. I know there's going to be a lot to learn and a lot of emotions to go through, but I'm ready. It's the time. It's the window opening to a new direction.

 

Bereft

The sun is set.

The clouds are grey.

My heart is yearning. 

For another day.

For a day of newness.

A day of gifts.

A day of signs.

A day of lifts.

I have no direction. 

Only hope that's left.

Do I turn forward or back.

I'm left feeling bereft.